It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
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Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results