Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
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Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.