Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
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let’s discuss
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise