I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
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*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton