When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
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Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
next question.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.