Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
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Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
R.I.P.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.