Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
You Might Also Like
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
honestly, i need both:
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!