Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.