ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
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I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
🍞🦆
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
I think my mom just blocked me
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.