*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
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But wait…
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.