i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
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If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
The happy life.. 😊
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit