*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
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[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I have never related to a cat more
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf