I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
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Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Well, that didn’t work.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.