gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
You Might Also Like
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”