[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
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Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.