God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
You Might Also Like
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Who says great literature is dead?
HOW DARE YOU