6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
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There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.