Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
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Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Lmbo
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.