Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
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Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
crying
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Was it something I said?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion