If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
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Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.