My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
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[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.