As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
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Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.