I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
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[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I wanna be friends with this person
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.