*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I am patiently waiting for your email
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.