Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?