Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
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I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.