Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
whatcha thinkin bout
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.