[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
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“what that mouth do?” complain
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.