Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
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Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Damn he played himself
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me