Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
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Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.