Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Remember folks 😂
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.