Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
You Might Also Like
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”