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[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.