God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
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The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Eat…
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer