Worst perfume name ever.
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If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank