Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
who will stop them
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch