Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
![]()
You Might Also Like
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
![]()
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
![]()
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!