Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
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*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying