@donni Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
@dad_chips Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
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@donni 
@OBiiieeee Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
@DeepDarkFear Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
@Loli_Sug Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
@Jesssicle Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
@slimmy_shady Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
@Brentweets Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
@AlexvanBeek Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
@UncleDuke1969 “It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
@AngieDavisHaha Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.