Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
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Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.