Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
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Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.