I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
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150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Happy Star Wars day!
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Ape together strong
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them