[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
You Might Also Like
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating