Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
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{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven