I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
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Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
ouch
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”