[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
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Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Whoa 😂
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively