Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
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Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!