Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??