[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My dad is at it again
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now