Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue