The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?