There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Worst Native American name ever.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.