all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Why soy sad?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”