Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
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Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.